5 Mistakes I've Made in Marriage

It is so easy to point the finger when something we are a part of starts to crumble. Taking responsibility for our wrongs requires us to let down our pride and acknowledge our shortcomings. I know I am quick to point the finger and struggle to take the blame. But, in recent months I have realized that I have nothing to gain when I cannot accept responsibility for my actions. The Bible commands us to change our hearts, and confessing our sins is a way to a changed heart.

The truth is marriage has been challenging for me. There have been, of course, wonderful, exhilarating moments in my marriage, but there have also been periods of darkness and distance because of my sins and my selfish nature.

Sin has a way of grappling us. Holding us from the neck. Some days it feels like there is nothing else to choose but the sins we are so well acquainted with. I've held steadfast for years to the same habits, thoughts, and beliefs. These habits, thoughts, and beliefs have spilled over into every area of my life. Namely, my marriage. One of the most important parts of my life. The spillover has caused corrosion of my marriage and my discontent outlook on life. I've come to realize that there are numerous things that should not be done in any marriage, and the continuation of these things will lead to the deterioration of any marriage. I know because I've done the

m, and nothing good has come from these mistakes.

1. High expectations with no communication- For me, this often looks like me expecting my husband to clean or help around the house but not actually communicating this to him. Many times, I've brought in arguments that he doesn't help, as a weapon against him, but he seems confused because I did not communicate this with him.

2. Name-calling during arguments- This is a terrible one. This is definitely abusive behavior towards a partner. I noticed that I tend to name-call when I have pent-up frustration and unspoken anger. In the heat of a moment, I explode and let out all of the frustrations I might have kept for a given amount of time.

3. Not solving an argument because I am too heartbroken to talk about it- There's an old adage that says, "Don't go to sleep angry at each other" and I would agree with this. I do not do well when my husband and I argue. I tend to get very upset and have a difficult time regulating my emotions. Because of this, I would avoid arguments altogether because they brought me too much pain. As a result, we would often have unsolved issues, and this caused my husband to harbor feelings of frustration. Many times, he would not feel heard or understood by me.

4. Not encouraging- I'd say that many wives may feel alone in the daily tasks of life. Many husbands may not find the importance in many of the things we do. Many husbands feel the need to make their wives happy and feel the need to provide for them, but sometimes husbands can fail at trying to do this. They may feel inadequate, especially if a wife is constantly complaining or nagging about housework that is piling up or outdoor work that is unfinished. I find that the best way to help him out is by encouraging him. We women were created by God to be a helper, and that is exactly what we must do. We must help them. This oftentimes looks like gentle reminders, offering a helping hand with chores, or some sort of accountability piece.

5. Not taking thoughts captive- This looks like allowing all thoughts to catch our attention and to take reign in our hearts and minds. I call this having a lazy mind. It is crucial for us to decide on thoughts that we do not wish to entertain and thoughts that are worthy to allow us to make a home in our lives. How do we decide which thoughts are worthy and which are not? Well through what the Bible commands us to do. If a thought enters our mind and this implies violence, retaliation, lust, etc... we know we should not indulge in it. We speak the truth that is written in the Bible. We do this every time until eventually, these thoughts disappear. When I do not have control over my mind, I am not living intentionally and giving the best of myself to God and to my husband. When I allow all thoughts to reign, I am resented, angry, unstable, and inconsistent. This takes an overall toll on my marriage, and many of my arguments with my husband have stemmed from angry thoughts.

Marriage is a challenging relationship, no doubt. Many times, I may be justified in feeling a certain way towards my husband, but God calls us to be patient, kind, understanding, and aware of our sins before judging someone else for theirs. Understanding our mistakes and sins is crucial for our own sanctification and growth. Marriage has many wonderful blessings, but one of the most difficult ones is how God uses it to sharpen us for His kingdom. If you are currently struggling with any of the above mistakes I have made, please pray for your marriage and open your Bible. It is part of being a human to make mistakes, but it is also part of being a human to learn to be better. If you are currently unmarried, examine your heart, so you don't make these corrosive mistakes in your marriage.